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It's Christmas Day and it's been hard not being able to celebrate with Bear and his family. He did vid call me earlier when they were opening up gifts but that got cut short because his phone was dying.

I know I opted to stay home but that doesn't mean I don't feel lonely. It's hard living with a disability that limits what you can do. I can't go on planes so I had to give up on my dream. Being around too many people for too long stresses me out so I had to miss out on Christmas with loved ones. It's all so depressing to think about. And I'll admit I've thought about ending my own life because I didn't want to live with this disability anymore! The only reason I didn't is because of Bear and his son. I couldn't do that to them. I won't do that to them but I still think about it.

When Bear called me earlier he turned his phone to his son and the kid had a huge smile, just so happy to see me. That kid deserves the world and I truly hope he does good for himself when he's an adult. I don't want him to be like me and his dad. His dad is a former drug addict and felon. I'm someone who was so focused on chasing a dream that when that dream died I didn't know what else to do. We both work crappy jobs because of our choices. I want Bear's son to succeed in life like his grandparents (Bear's parents). They never have to worry about money or eviction. They can afford to buy his son so many nice things.

I wish I had been smarter when I was younger...

My work had a Secret Santa thing today. I got my person a chess/checkers/tic tac toe board and he absolutely loved it. The person that had me got me a 2 piece Nightmare Before Christmas wine glass set. Both of them have the movie title and one has Jack, the other Sally. They automatically knew what to get me as soon as they saw they had me. Pretty much everyone at work knows about my Nightmare Before Christmas obsession. Oops, lol!

Looks like this year, Christmas will just be me and my pets. Bear is going to his family's Christmas Eve and won't be back til Monday morning. He wanted me to go but I can't. Being around people for an extended period time stresses me out way too much and with my epilepsy that isn't a good thing. I told him I'd stay home and take care of pets and on Christmas morning I'll call him. I feel bad not being able to go but I have to my health first. That means not putting myself in situations where a seizure could be possible. It sucks but I have to do it.

My rat, Charlie, and my ferret, Blue, have become quite the headache. Before we got Blue we had two rats, Charlie and her boyfriend Alastor. Alastor passed away about two weeks before we got Blue. About a month or so after Alastor passed, Charlie began knocking her food dish off the cage of her door. Though it was annoying we didn't make a fuss about it and just put it back up every time she did it.

Charlie used to have a water bottle that was clipped to her cage. After Alastor passed away Charlie had trouble drinking from it (it used to belong to a pair of sugar gliders we had so the spout was a bit big) since the only way she could drink from it before is by coming up underneath or next to Alastor and drinking with him. When we saw she was having trouble either Bear or myself would get up and puss the ball in the spout back to let some water out for her to drink from our finger. She did, eventually, get used to it and no longer needed our help. But then we were cleaning out the water bottle and lost one of the clips so we hung up another food dish but use it as her water dish. We did find the clip but, I think, we had already gotten rid of the bottle.

Now, she's knocking both her food and water dishes down off her cage. I know she isn't doing it because she hungry/thirsty because I could have just filled up both dishes, turn away to put her food away and check on Blue and turn back and the either one or both of the dishes are knocked down. Not to mention, she stashes her food in a little box she has her cage.

Since Blue and Charlie are both kept in the walk in closet in mine and Bear's bedroom, Blue is seeing Charlie knock down her dishes and has started doing it herself. Except, Blue's food dish isn't hooked onto her cage. One of her platforms has a cutout where her dish goes and so she grabs the food dish with her teeth and pulls it out. Again, I know she isn't hungry because I fill up her bowl with enough food to last her a day or two and she pulls it out and spills it when I'm not around.

I went looking on the Walmart website for food dishes that clamp on to the cage and I found one where not only does it clamp to the cage but the dish locks onto the clamp. To get it off you have to twist the bowl and then you twist it again to lock it. I'm probably gonna order a couple of those and a new clip on water bottle for Charlie. Rat food isn't very expensive but Blue is a special kind of ferret and therefore has a special diet that we have to feed her and that can get pretty pricey so I don't like knowing she's spilling out her food and wasting it.

I know. I was gone for a long time again but there is just so much going on, especially with the holidays coming up. Bear and I went to the mall today to do some last minute Christmas shopping and it was packed. After we got what we needed (minus somethings) we went to a fancy sushi place right there connected to the mall. When we walked in the lady at the host stand was acting like we couldn't afford to eat there. Like, bitch please! I am standing in front of you wearing an almost $300 luxury coat with faux fur (cause I don't real fur) accents and you think I can't afford to eat here. You are ass can probably only WISH to own a coat like mine. We did get seated and ordered some drinks (I had a Coke and Bear got some sake). I got their Salmon Lemonade sushi (tempura shrimp and avocado roll topped with salmon and caramelized lemons) and Bear ordered a ramen bowl. The ramen was freaking huge though and it had a lobster tail in it. I ended up getting a desert. They had a cake called Cotton Cake (Japanese styled cheesecake topped with whipped cream, sliced strawberry and a mint leaf). And when I say it tasted amazing! It was so light and fluffy, I had to let Bear have a piece. He also ate the strawberries and mint leaf. After we were done Bear ordered our Uber but it took forever and a day to get there. Like we kept going in out of one of the stores because we would get cold looking for the damn car. It did eventually show up but Bear was understandably pissed.

When we got home we both got in bed and slept for a bit. Although, I did have to rub Bear's back before he could sleep. Which I really don't mind. I'd do anything for him. When I woke up I ordered my Christmas gift for Bear off Amazon. I saw he doesn't have very many long sleeved shirts and I know he loves My Hero Academia so I'm getting him a long sleeved shirt with two of the characters on it.

My boss asked if any of us wanted to do a Secret Santa thing at work a few days ago and I said I would. In total I think there are 7 of us doing it. We had to fill out a questionnaire on Friday to kinda help our SS decide what to get us. The person I got said they like chess so I went with my boss after work and got them a chess/checkers/tic tac toe board. I also got some wrapping paper and tape since Bear and I don't have any (he prefers to do all the wrapping at his mother's the day of just before everyone opens presents). I did I really bad job wrapping it, though. But who cares it's just gonna get tore up anyway.